Facades Exists Between You And Me

Yes! It’s 27th May 2005 today it’s not 18th okay? Don’t be mislead by my title. It should be a big-big day for me. This is because it’s my 18th birthday today. It’s certainly something happening. But somehow I did wondered if human’s hormones are responsible for my mood right down. I feel depressed. Terribly. Just like stuffing myself into a deep depth and bury piles or tonnes of sand on top of me. Or rather, poly’s life are the real reason for my dampened moods now. I am so exhuasting. Sucks~

School has started after the Ph on monday. The first day at school was like so weird and different. Totally entering a world of darkness. No friends. Stranger surrounds me. Classroom wasn’t the one I used too.One thing on my mind is that I just hoped that I could reenact our lives once again. Just once! I missed my secondary school friends. Subsequently, the second day wasn’t any better. I could only meet up Mui kah(Sharon’s friend) or Meimei for lecture. Afterwhich, have to return my class for practical and tutorial. It wasn’t that my classmates are bad or whatever so. Is just that I think I couldn’t fit into them or clicked with them at all. We are just on track with opposite directions. Don’t forget NA students are always the ones being prejudiced. Not forgetting I am born in 1987. This totally makes me feel like giving up. I think Mui kah has already gave up her course. It kinda waste lah. What to do? If your interest are all lost?

The 3rd day was the worst! The one that is haunting. Although I was well-know for part-time slackers, it doesn’t mean I have to rot in my school. I had full 5 hours break doing away with time. No one came. No one goes. What come by me is a gust of wind that swept past me. I was feeling sick. I wanted to go home. Never mind for that. During intervals of my full 5 hours break, I went to clementi and meet up with my mum for breakfast. Mum’s love is the best!

All I can say is that poly’s life can have a subdivision you know?

Poly’s life is 3Is:

1. Individual
2. Independent
3. Irritating

1.Individual

As for individual, I have long already been told. Poly’s life has or ought to be individual. However, wouldn’t it be OVER-individual. Seems like no friends. It doesn’t means that you are in the same course with your close friends you will be spared from being alone or feeling of abandoned. It’s not like every moment I will see Meimei. So, now you understands you have be alone ya?

2.Independent

It’s been true that you have to be independent. Poly’s life will ENSURE teriary students will be VERY independent before you enter the realistic society. When you have no close friends, you will have to be independent. Everything is on your own. Learn to walk to your own Lecture Threate. Learn to buy your own food and it by yourself. Be it true or not. Have a story book, PDA or laptop with you if possible. Have some form of entertainment prepared for yourself. If you don’t give trust to me. You will die of boredom. SWEAR! I already tried..=)

3.Irritating

Could it be baised or what. Once you are in school of Life sciences. You will certainly be in a pink of health. Much healthier than the past. Promise you that you will have to walk to your classroom block daily when eventually you will need some foot reflexlogy session. Always prepare tissues for your sweaty body. It’s just so irritating when you see business students doesn’t need to walk such a distance. Gurantee you’ll be late daily. The distance is too great for me. The time-table is much more sickening rather than irritating. Leaving hours of empty slots between your time-table. They just wanna pissed you off by doing so. Don’t fall into their trap. Why not just go out for a pool session with your friends or go to the town for some nice aroma coffee? Don’t be like me. I am a loner. =P

I haven got used to poly’s life. What’s about you guys? =)

Indignant me! Having to know that my classes and lecture theate is so far away! Block 38, 81, 80 and 50 respectively (Not including lecture threate and labortories that I had to go to). My god. I guessed my leg will break. This is so unfair when business students do not need to walk such a distance. =( In a day, I have to travel to many places leh. I think my future attendance will only meet the requirement of 80-85% not anything further then that.

Spent my day slacking at home, Mum starts nagging non-stop. From last friday till now. As long as I don’t put my foot to work. Her mouths will never be tired. Lolz~ School is reopening soon. Fugking friends are keep mentioning their orientation thing. That’s irritating enough! Just stop it man. I don’t know why I get so aggitated over it. But then, it’s just too boring. Just like how media or rather paparazzi start to report on any megastar.

Why god make me so imperfect? I always thought. To let me make it prefect? Strange~ This question never left my mind and all. Just swirl and swirl. Know why I think so? That is because I always left things undone. I gave up things halfway. I am also not perfect at all. There is also things which I don’t understand at all? And I will never get to. The below are the reasons why I think life is unperfect for me (Warning: There could be more!!!):

1. I was given a chance to learnt harmonica, afterwhich I gave up during primary six. ( My secondary didn’t had this CCA.)
2. I didn’t had a prefect family ( This didn’t matter much to me)
3. I do have a presentable look but I do not have GREAT look.
4. I love singing, but I can’t sing as well.
5. I have acceptable weight and height, but not GREAT figure.
6. I can study, but my results are not as good.
7. I love music, I am not musically-equipped when young! (This is one of my biggest regret in life.)
8. I have money, but I am not loaded.
9. I love maths, but it’s my poorest subject.
10. I love to play piano, but doesn’t have the patience. ( I tried. It just so hard and unreachable.)
11. I love to go for serious relationship, but something is obstructing me.
12. MY EQ is considered high, but my IQ is low. (Why can’t they balanced?)
13. How come guys I met, all go for looks?
14. How come I choose a course that I didn’t have much confidence in?
15. How come I always back up things in the very last minute? (Just like the f.i.r compeition)
16. How come my dreams is so unreachable? ( I love to sing.)
17. I’ve been searching for me him, why hadn’t my prefect one appeared?
18. Lastly, why my life and everybody’s life is unperfect?!

Pretty much uh? Life sucks. Everyone’s is searching for a hero. People needs someone to look up to. But I never found anyone who fufilled my needs. A lonely place to be. So, I learned to depend on me. Haiz~

Had a day exploring beach road today. Had bought a wear of so-called ’slipped-on’ shoes. It was kind of exploitation to me. Sounds serious uh? This is because every design I wanted doesn’t have the sizes for me. Weird shop~ BooO~ It’s just so funny. Or is the lady boss too lazy to check out her stock? Ended up, I saw one which I wanted very much. I wanted size 7-1/2 but they told me there wasn’t any size for this design but they have size 8. Meanwhile, other design they had it.  What is this about? -_-  This don’t have, that also don’t have. Well, I would rather advised them to closed their shop down ba~

Somehow, My heart was soft. I gave in. I bought the size 8 which I find a little big for me. The lady was clever enough to stuff a sole into the shoes (which I wanted very much), so that the altitude would increased and made it more suitable to my size. Clever way of making business uh? They are simply out to exploit people like me. A total of 39 bucks is now lying in their cash box.

After that, I had a pool game at the golden miles mall nearby. My pool skills was like a piece of cow-dung. Terrible~ Lolz! Spent about 2hrs+ and afterwhich went all the way down to bugis. This is where I came by the mickey mouse shop (M-industrie) and saw a pair of slipped-on which I liked very much. What’s more important is that it is much more cheaper than I bought from beach road! Much more appealing than the one I bought too~ My heart was like having a buring sensation. It only cost 32 bucks. *Arghz* Also, I saw a t-shirt which I liked very much. Know how much? It’s $39.90. Think I gonna faint~ So expensive! *SOB*.. I must have been crazy over mickey mouse. Just simply loved it.

Mickey products is always so cute~ Agreed? *Muack* Here come me..WOoooO~~

I don’t want to put myself in a dark dark world again. It’s just coming back after my dreams shattered yesterday evening. I wasn’t sad at all nor anguish. Except for disapointment. I always loved f.i.r music. Their music alway give me the energy and courage to walk down the lonely road. Now is like broken. No dreams. No hope. This kind of feeling just overwhelmed me from last night till now. Don’t tell me this is the story behind every success. This is not going to be true. Please! Tell me that. If this is it, then my dreams would be so distanced and far away. I hope this will be a span of dust, just swept away from me now..

In this 21st century, I don’t believed in anything else. Include LOVE. Life is so imprefect. I could never realised my dream. Perfect love could only exist in fairytale stories which I always read about when I was small. My family wasn’t a perfect one too. I am not sad about it anyway. But just so sad to know that I could never found any true feelings in this world. Guys whom I met are just going out for looks. This is so stupid. What’s happening to their mindset? It looks like I can only keep imaging my prefect love and see it happening in drama series. Idol drama series leads are always so pretty and suave. Why is this not happening in real life? You guys don’t think so? Look! what’s that..another loving couple in idol drama..

Talking about my next phrase of life, my face would just turn from cheerful red to dark grey. I am not excited and enthusiatic about it at all! It was just as though as a dark shadow cast over me. Poly’s life sucks. Probably, I hadn’t know anyone yet. I guess Meimei and I will be posted to the different class. I’ve seen the time-table. I compared. Our timing for lesson is about the same. We still have to go to school from monday to friday. But, our lessons ends on the same time. Only on some days I have to go to school and hour earlier than her. And she does the same thing exactly the next day! One happy thing is that our lecture could be same. Some of our timing clashes. Maybe we could be attending a mass lecture and we would meet one another. I think our classes are just beside one another. Well, whatever the outcome is. I would just gave a conclusion: "Poly’s life is just so individual!" I think I will have time to pick up something new. Cause I’ve to much free time between my time-table. No laptops, No connections, No msn..*Argh* What can I do? Poor old discman gonna stick to me again.

Yeah, I was watching Scv for entertainment news. And you guys know I like to share good things with people. And I would like more people to get to know of Nicky. Give him a chance. Forget about his looks. He ain’t ugly like a moroon anyway. Nahz, I heared of some lastest hit from Nicky 李玖哲 (ex-machi member) lastest solo album from Tv. His lastest album is called "影子". I love this song. It’s track 1. The whole album is more on R&B genre. You know I love rythms and blues music. He is korean. So it’s like generally it sounds abit more like korean music in movies and drama. He had released a few albums in korea before he eventually continued to pick up his career in taiwan. By the way, the second track was not bad too called "

Do you believed in fortune-telling? Today’s weather was a grey one. It rained for half an afternoon. So wet and damp. My mood is equally dampened too. But I was lucky enough when the customer are getting lesser as the rain is getting heavier. I was kind of high. Lolz~ Talking crap for the whole day. This shows my depression is getting better each day. At least, I have talked k? Except my appetite detoriated. I ate one meal only. How come uh? I should have feel hungry easily during a wet wether like these.

I was looking at my palm during the late eveing when my collegue approached me. She said she knows alittle of palm-reading and fortune-telling stuff. I let her read my palm. She didn’t told me about the longevity thingy. Well, I mean my "life-lined". I knew she wouldn’t. This was because someone ever told me that my "life lined" on my palm was short. This would actually mean I am short-lived. Lolz~ forget about this. This didn’t actually bother me at all. What actually bothers me is my loved-life. Hahaz~ She said I have three "yin yuan" which means I would have met 3 guys in my life. Two of them are serious ones and one is like playing and unserious one. I think I only gone through one only. Where is the other two relationship? Hahaz~ She told me that in the future my career prospect is so broard that I didn’t even know what I would engage in. Would this me that I could become a singer? A career women? A doctor? or whatever so? Lolz. She also told me that I have many uncountable troubles and problems. Is this true? =P Lastly, she said that I am very thrifty and knows how to save lotsa of money. Haha. Does this means that I am gonna to be rich? Lolz~

Very last. She told me that my future partner and I will be very loving and sweet. :X. My partner is also going to be a smart-looking one. Hohoho.

I think she told me all these just to make me laughed or cheering me up. I am going to be realistic. I don’t really believed in these stuffs. Do you? It’s just too good to be true and to believe. =)

Ever since I have returned from bangkok, I always find myself in a state of trance. Is there anything wrong with me? I found no appetite to food. Although ocassionally I feel that my stomach is crying for hunger, but I don’t eat much as the past any more. I ate only one meal a day. All I want to do is to locked myself up in the room. I don’t feel like talking anymore. I wished I was able to just enter another world of my own. Just peacefully and quietly. Why is it so? Am I suffering from depression or whatever so?– I don’t know. I don’t feel sad. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all~

There is always topics which goes on and on whenever a person returned to their homeland after a tour trip. But Why do I find nothing to talk about after returning from thailand? People out often asked me: " Was the trip fun?". I always answered with the same old line- "Okay lah.."

I was drunk on monday night. I don’t understand why a young girl like me have been able to learnt drink beer and wine. I am only 17+ and turning 18 soon. When have I learnt to touch those things? Am I just too sad? I don’t know again. Talking about the drunk thingy, one thing I only recalled was that I made my mum and sister cried. Sound serious uh? I don’t actually remember what I have talked that very night.

This is the first and only time I had been so drunk. In fact, in front of so many people. I know I have been crapping the whole night. =) Talking alot of nonsense. Sharon was also drunk. She was even worst off than me. Lolz. The next day I went to work. My collegue gave me that kind of face. As though as something really big happened last night. They asked me if I am okay. I just told them I had a hangover this morning. Afterwhich, I continued my busy day at work. For the past few days, I have been working for 10 over hours. My body is aching. Especially, it’s also public holidays for the last weeekend. There were also many functions. My mind is now brain-dead. Just so tired. I didn’t managed to get enough sleep ever since my returned. I worked and worked. Just to earn $60 a day. No choice I need money.

I happened to have some free time last night that I turn on my Tv to channel 54(Scv). I seen on the entertainment news of one taiwan celebrity who hanged himself. They said he suffered from depression. It’s was so shocking. His body was highly decomposed when it was found. The body was found days later. Many of his celebrity friends said they didn’t know he was suffering from depression. He looks very normal and happy. He was his usual self. However, they didn’t know a person who actually looks normal to them is actually suffering from this mental illness.

A person who contract this form of illness may look or seems to be very normal on the surface. Symptons used to indentify this illness might not be a big help for patients who know how to disguise or hide their feelings well. This is especially true for a celebrity like him. He was a comedian. He was a funny guy in front of his audience. No one ever know he would end his life in this way. My heart just shook when I learnt about it. I have seen many cases whereby many people just end their life like that due to this illness. More and more celebrities are doing so. Not only celebrities that I am trying to say but everyone seems to be doing so. What’s happening? Don’t you agree? I know it can be cured. The direct form of help is actually clinical help. But a even more direct help or medicine is– actually the people or friends around the paitent. All they need concern and lots of talking. Depression is so scary and terrible. Just so depressing. You wil never know what a person who actually suffers from depression is thinking about. I truely hope everyone will give more concern to one another. In this new century, the world is now fighting with two major illness or disease. They feared of it now~They are aids and DEPRESSION. You see how horrible can it be. It’s just a form of mental illness in oneself. But, is a horrible form of illness in many of us. Why? This is becuase the pain which bought to the close friends and family of the deceased can be an illness to us too. Many of the aftermath effects which we never know. Patients might followed each other. Learnt from the way they ended their lives.

This world is so saddening. No one knows each other well. Even your friends. Sometimes, just merely a few words of concern doesn’t help. I am just writing out my thoughts. This world is so weird. People are distancing themselves. Just so far apart. This world as I said had never been perfect. Except, in your own very world. No one is able to walk into one life. Everyone is just so faking. Life sucks as I mentioned before in my earlier enteries. Love was the same too. Whatever so, I just hoped I can have a positive attitude towards life too. I will tried.