Haze is getting worse. My head is spinning with wheels. I hate the smell. But, it is human factor. Can’t blame it on anyone other than us. HUMANS burnt the land - the forest. What to do? All leads to money called it their financial means. Farmers burnt the land in order to make it fertile so that can reap better crops. Just wonder if money really that big? We can fight, killed or quaralled just because of a piece of paper. But, we all loved it. Don’t we? Well, this is gonna be a long entry mainly because I hadn’t been really blogging since my depression days. Haa. I am not a good writter nor blogger. Forgive my use of language and words. I just had to type. If not, my inspiration for blogging will vanished again.
Oh well, many things have been running through my mind these few days. I had flashback on past events. Many things happened over the past 1 year and recently. Nursing life had an impact on me with comparison to those days that papa had mistress and those misery days I have to work with mama outside this is much more happening. I always thought that nothing could bring me down as long as I don’t want it to happened. But! Remember since this day - 24th May 2005 school term commenced, life was ever-challenging. Haha. So guys, if you were like me. Been through alot during the past 1 year. Always, remember this date. Know why? We started to grew up into an young individual adult since or from this very day came into us. Just like a undiscovered or uncivilised planet. A rocket was fired into it. Life changed ever since then.Erm, maybe is inappropriate to say that is nursing life is the solely contributing factor that had make an impact in me. But, more or less it does in a certain sense. I think I should put it in another way. Okay. The way to adult life or adult-hood had an impact on me.
It could be just coincidence that things happened in the same period of life. So, I might give link or thought that because I joined nursing, my life changed. Now, Let me asked you a question. Does people always tell you things like : "Erm, I think you have changed?.." or you ever heared this sentence " You’ve changed". Now what? What is their definition of changed? And what’s mine? Let me tell you what mine, I have changed in my thinking. Mature? Something like that. But, I guessed I have been matured enough all these while. =) While, It more like able to straighten out my thoughts. I should say that I am forced to grew up in the circumstances I am in. I learnt to take things slowly and easy. In this way, I am happier.
Being a student nurse, wasn’t my initial choice. But, I had joined nursing without left with other choice. I don’t like enginering or mechanics stuff. It would be boring with horrible maths around. I hate maths. So, giving a second thought it would be a challenge if I could really become a nurse. I challenged myself. Blood. Sweat. Cleanner’s job. Beside, I am someone with the dream of become a red-cross volunteer. It gives me extra credit as having the skills of being to provide basic medical care. It definately gave me an extra determination to joined Health Science, when I saw the flashing images of the Tsuanami victims way back in 2004 when I had just finished my ‘Os’. This is how I make my way through till now.
Laid way back, I thought of the days where poly’s life just started. I had no friends for the first few days. I am friendly but shy at the same time. I admit I am humorous but only extend to people who I knew. I couldn’t display my usual self. I can’t SING. I can’t ACT. Life without this two skill that I possessed was like so dammed empty. I am a protected child in my mum’s eyes. She does everything for me. Thus, This was the first set-back number 1. Can you imagine having lunch ownself? It would be weird if I had to go to others and asked : Can I joined you guys ?"..But sooner or later, I had two pals entering my life on 27th May 2005 - Yiping and Shuxian. Both pals were the first classmate in Practical group 10 who knew that very day was my birthday and we wished me sincerely : "Happy Bithday." Yiping even wrote me a card. Shuxian wanted to treat me a drink, but I rejected courteously. I was touched by their doings. At least, there are nice people who remembered. =) Ever since, you guys know la. I don’t have to say much. Setback number 2 comes along, during my first attachment in TTSH which falls during holidays. Some people used the term "cultural shock" to describe the experience. I will just say that, it was certainly a eye-opening for a just turned 17 years old student nurse. I don’t know if I am only that one. Does you guys feel so?
It was the first day of attachment. I don’t mind doing stuff that others feel dirty. But, the moment of my entry to ward 5B. I was being approached by a NYP student nurse. She came to me :" Eh, Do you mind helping me? ". Of course I do not mind la. I went ahead. I went in the curtains behind. She pass me 1 pair of nicely-fitting size S gloves. Help me lift her up - referring to the patient. I do as what she says. Then she said: :"You cleaned here". First time, I done such a thing. To mentioned it awkwardly or in a unpleasantly way, which means to have to clean patient’s ass. Stop. I know what you thinking, readers. You are thinking that I should have expect it right? Wait wait wait. Read on.
After cleaning one or strokes. She just went out and left me inside the curtain. I looked at my watch. It was only 1 plus.(We had hospital orientation earlier on) Barely even reached 30mins since I stepped into the ward. She NEVER returned. Sad case. Haa. At least, have the courteousy to tell me. But nope. No. Byebye. I know I am a student nurse. I should know how to do it but at least I need someone to help or at least assist me at the first try. Moreover, she as on DIL literally means "Dangerously Ill List". Never mind. I just tried my best one person slowly finished the task. Lucky, she was safe and sound. I didn’t called for assistance. Cause, I didn’t had the chance to do. Everything was in a mess. You know what I mean. My gloves are ditry all that. So, what to do.
Who knows? When I came out the staffed nurse asked me assist her in doing last office. I said okay. At the moment, I hadn’t had even time to get my mind stable of previous task. I had to do another something that I hadn’t done before - Last office. I was like asking myself : " You mean I have to see dead body that fast ?". Haa. Never mind, again. I gladly help the staff nurse. I was scared la. This because body was kind of bloated and like Cynosis? Let’s recalled. I mentioned it happened in the first day of attachment right? Yeah. Barely less than 2 hours of hospital attachment commenced. I done last office and serve my first patient. This was not certainly not a setback but a contributing one. It was a miserable one month attachment being at the ward for one whole month. I didn’t felt that welcome by the staff nurses in the ward. Maybe, we didn’t had any experiences earlier on. We seems to be very dependent on them. Asked alot of questions that kind of blurish look on us. Everything don’t seems to know.
What really was a setback to me was when I was comparing our lives as student nurses with other teenagers of our same age in others courses in Ngee Ann. I have friends in enginering and business course. Look at them. They can dress as they liked. I mean we have rules and certain regulations with us. Wear uniform and blacked hair. No dyed hair. They have no attachment for first year and right now they are enjoying their holidays away. What worst? I already faced life and death. I found it hard to strike a balanced mindset when comparing with our teens of our age. I know I should have expected all these. But, expects doesn’t means acceptances. Got it? We need time to adapt. I was comparing to them and asking myself. What the hell am I doing here? Why must I do dirty stuff? I am not despicing on my own job. But, it only adds on when our job is not recognizing by the staff nurse at all?. I tell myself. My result wasn’t that bad. Why did I choose nursing? I started to reflect if I had made the correct choice. But, Ms Yeo was a good facilitator. Always so encouraging. Let us rest our tired legs. Tell us things. She gave us encouraging marks. Not to the extend of discouraging us. One incident make me really tied down to nursing is that, on the last day of attachment in 5B. Just before we are leaving the ward, one assistant staff nurse told us: "Thank You". It strikes our hearts. Seriously. It give me a point that there are people who still appreciate your doings. Even the patient. They will smiled at you. Haha. Let me tell you, this is what human beings always yearned to hear beside the 3-letter-word –I love You. It doesn’t take take you how long to say thank you. Probably, 3 seconds? That’s why I always say " Thanks uh.." Don’t be stingy to do so. Turn to ya friends, family and whoever and said it. Hee. Thus, this is how I managed to pull through those days.
What was is even more discouraging? As I mentioned. When YOU ARE NOT BEING RECOGNIZED RIGHT. I guessed many of my coursemate who know what I am trying to say later on. You’re right. First time, in life I was utterly discourgaged. I fall to the bottom of my pit. This encounter really make me nearly wanted to quit nursing. My mother even told me: "If you really felt so hard on you, then I rather you quit. I hurts me to see you like these." That night, I went home cried again. I couldn’t eat. I was angry. I asked myself: "Why I get this kind of marks for attachment? "- 59.4%. It is a dropped from 76.5 to 59.4. A drastic one.
This was what my clinical instructor - Mary Leong from TTSH wrote on my performance 2nd hospital posting(3rd setback):
"Fiona is calm and relate well with clients and nursing staff. However, she needs to participate more in her clinical skills and follow instructions given. Need to further improve on some of the nursing skills" - 17/01/06
This is where I started depressed over life. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust other. Don’t trust God. I hate everything. My confidence all gone. The worst part of life is that you had already been put on. Utterly, put down by others. I started question I worked like everyone else. Is not like I didn’t put in any effort at all. Anyone attached to 5A would have know 5A is a pleasant ward. Asked Cheryl, Kimberely or whoever who attaches there before. The staff are nice. Real nice to student nurses. Because I liked that ward, I put in extra effort. But what I get is not equivalent to what I worked for. Everyday I go to the busy ward 5A - Class C, I used my whole heartedly to serve patient well. It so busy till I hadn’t had time to rest. But instructor don’t see. Who knows? What I do for patient behind the curtains? Do they opened up the curtains and watch what you doing? Gods knows. You knows. Maybe she expected more from me as a instructor. I don’t know. At the point, I keep thinking. Why must you treat a 17 year old girl like that? Just like that. In my heart. I was saying : "Is it my fault?". I keep telling myself she must have reasons for that. That very day of grading, I went to her. I did cried. Uncontrolled. I am not someone who would cried infront of strangers. I will hold back till very end. But, I just couldn’t anymore. I don’t sad. Just alot of injustice and dissapointed in me.
I asked her: "Did I not do what you asked me to do..?". I compared myself to Aliff grades.
I said : "What Aliff did I also had done. Why?.."
She told me: " You look very aimlessly..Ask you do the things you all never do.."
I told her: " I look aimlessly because I am tired. In a class C ward, how can I look not tired? Everyday do turning. Moreover I am having eye-infection.."
You guys should have know how I look like with my specs on right? Seriously, heavy and small eyes. Forget it.
I argued again: "I did do your things, but you everytime come at wrong time. Anyway, you don’t always come to me. How can you ever see what I do and grade me ??!"
Enough of dialogue. Continued the story. Haa. Mary told me that I don’t see. But, I collated all the comments from sisters and staff nurses. In my heart, I was thinking. Sister never onced come to me and see what I am doing and I keep following the Health Care Assistant doing turing daily. I told her as what I am thinking in my heart. She said that is why I don’t have team work and marked me down for that.
Sometimes, I wondered. What is the logbook for?. The criteria are subjective. What do you defined as teamwork? Someone who follow staff nurses all round. Or someone who helps out Health Care Assistant to serve patients. Or both? Or what you mean by effective communication skills? What that? You saw me talked to patient and foolishly believe I am communicating with him/her? What you mean by prioritize needs? Staff nurse asked me help her first then I leave the patient alone and feed himself. Or what facilitators asked me to do, I do first to make her happy? All are subjectives right? What you think doesn’t means that this is what I am thinking too. We have our differerent perspectives. In nursing, it hasn’t reached a state of standard marking system or assessment. In think it certainly needs to be reviewed again. This is because holistic job. You can never judge the term holistic. What is care? Tell me? It is already different since the begining. Never been the same with other courses.
To Be Continued…
