Facades Exists Between You And Me

Life Struggle

Too tired to think.Too lazy to work.

Where do I turn? I’m full of such worry.

As I view my life before me, one slips out of another.

Wonder is now the time?

The pain is forever there and nowhere near being gone.

When is life a life?

When does the pain of regret go away?

Will I ever feel no sorrow?

I might as well stay away.

Will I still see the light of eternal life that lies before me?

Or will I be in eternal suffering?

But is not that what I am in here.

There are no hopes but sorrows.

I cannot dry an tear for there is no tears.

Now the time has come so long my fellow friends.

Lost

Lost, alone, afraid and uncertain.

She waits for the words she longs to hear.

But she knows she has been forgotten.

Yet, within herself amongst her pain she knows there has to be something more, more to her life she is living in vain.

With her vision blurred she cannot see what lies ahead for her, what she could be.

All that she knows is that what she is today and she cannot see beyond this moment.

So afraid of what will be coming next, she cower amongst the debris within her soul.

So uncertain of every single thing around her. Each moment bringing sorrow within.

She longs to understand why is this happening, why she was choosen for the pain she feels within.

Confusion and fear rule her life, along with hatred and disdain.

She has no control of what will happen next and that is the most difficult thing to bear.

All she wants is to fly away with god’s angels and never return to the earthly being inhibits.

She cannot bear to hurt another day but she will.

She will continue to hang her burden and keep all inside, hidden from those around her.

She so afraid, afraid of the thoughts and feelings. She cannot share them with anyone.

She longs to tell someone how she is feeling.

She knows she cannot hang on much longer. But, she also knows that she cannot give up.

Everything around her is so conflicted. No sense can be made of any of it.

It is ripping her apart inside and out. She longs to cry out for someone to help her.

The only thing she wants is to be whole and one within herself and under God’s wings.

She longs for eternal embrace and even more so for his healing touch.

She knows God is there, but is he?

She cannot feel his presence upon this earth.

She is afraid of him but she doesn’t understand why.

Her life hang in a balance, she knows she cannot choose death.

Death is no longer a option for her to consider. The only thing is to keep on living.

She is not even living. But only existing. Existing amongst only what has been created.

She cannot move. She cannot speak.

She is so afraid to even attempt to seek out what she knows she wants and what she needs.

Sometimes she can see she is needed. Not only to those who hold her dear, but to God as well.

Within herself and amongst her pain, she knows she is to be important.

She knows God want to use her. But, why her? Why must she hurt this way?

Though she know she is important, she can barely see anymore.

She feels her life has been over so long. She doesn’t wants to hurt anymore.

She is the one who wants to help those like her.  She wants to have a future and something to hold on.

She wants a family, a song and a daughter. Longing to become the person who can be loved and become a person who can love without any conditions.

To have someone to be a wife to and be forever.

She cannot repeat this vicious cycle once more, she fears she will be unable to survive it again.

She knows there are so many worse off than her.

Feeling so unworthy of hope and of help she holds it altogether in a tight ball.

Tears will never able to reach her eyes, but now they seems never go away.

She longs to understand what’s happening and to fight the flight that lies ahead.

But, she is so afraid. Afraid to step out, out of the shelter that has been created for her.

The walls has been crumbling and she has been exposed.

She feels so naked and ashamed of every little part.

She wants so badly to leave this place.

To leave her and never return to this state of mind.

She longs to be accepted by those around her. She longs for people to see through the doubts.

If she is to step out she needs this next one to work. She cannot do this again and come out alive.

She wants to fight and she needs to win. Not only for herself, but for those she wants to help.

She has a future, she needs to have a future.

She needs help to see what is needed and what she can become.

She cannot do this alone.

I cannot do this alone.

P/s: Just happened to come across these two poems on youtube and I thought they really kind of describe what I’ve been feeling all along. Her lost, her struggles in life that she wrote, made me eally feel so deep in my heart. Life’s bad at time. Living on can be a chore. I need a reason to wake up every morning.

It’s saturday night. Things looks pretty well for the outside world. Boys meets girls. Same. Girls meets boys. Both parties of people out there socializing. However, she’s been siting by the window. Or rather infront of the computor. It’s been awhile she has been behaving this way. She doesn’t speaks very much of herself to her family. In her heart, how much so that she wanted to share about herself. But, it just seems that after a series heart to heart talk, will ended up in heated argument. And what she’ve got after that is that she found herself alone at her same room again.

What her job is like? The people she met outside? How people treat her? She wanted to say it all out. But it’s just..couldn’t and perhaps it(the heart) stops speaking ever since quite sometime ago.

Again. She alone. Thinking bout, where her futures lies. Does she have a say in her life? Can she control things happening in her life? She really doesn’t like how the world behaves. She wants freedom. Kindred souls told her that - She can choose her life. To be positive or to be negative. After slips and slips of coke and alittle caps of whiskey, her mind was in swirls. Sub-consciously, she was still alive. Felt so torn and tattered. So worn out and tired. Fancy, her being at a young youth age. At times, she even hope that she doesn’t even grow up, be a child is enough. Being adult is so bad. So dammed bloody bad.  The world is hideous. Just so black. Black like tar.

Life is so weird. At a lost. Heading to nowhere. Friends doesn’t accompany you till the very end. She find herself alone at the end. People come and go in her life. On-going suffering of people. Good souls forcefully became baddies to protect themselves. Bad things became infectious. People start killing each other. Fights for money,status and rights. People want their way. Humans act on impulses. People assumes what they see. Believes what they heared. This world has got no love. Except from your loves one. Love from lord wasn’t enough at all.

She doesn’t see tommorrow. New day doesn’t grow. She doesn’t have the energy to generated power to move on live. She just - hate to live. Living a day seems so heavy. Telling her that her life was given by someone who loves her. She just get so turned off. Life is just so terribly fucked up. Horrible to the core. She feels that she doesn’t own anyone a living. Every morning, she stands at the platform looking at the steel cold track. Thoughts just came into picture. She just thought of what if she jump down the track and got hit by the oncoming track. How wonderful can it be? Repetitive sucidal thoughts occurs. But the main concerned - which of ways would guarantee her a confirm instant death. One that doesn’t life her paralysed and bed-ridden causing burden to others. Coming out with such thoughts was her choice, she didn’t wanted it either. Sounds ironic, it also takes alot of courage to have these thoughts in her mind. Imagine that you picture yourself, having your tongue stick out & eye-balls go rolling white because you’ve hang yourself. Or rather your body got smash by the concrete ground because you leap down from 16th storey high. You experiences unbearable pain and open fracture wound. And before, you reached the ground you’ve got hit by serveral bamboo poles.

Life’s bad. Real bad. Whole world is like on her shoulder. Bad in a sense that is life-less. If the world comes to an end, she’ll be the first one to stand up and clap & cheer. Just let everything go back the primitive us, where humans learn how to grow and love each other again. Oh God. Please.