Facades Exists Between You And Me

It’s tiring. I came back home at 4am this morning. Chilled out at bar with my friends. I drank quite alot. 1 and 1/2 jug is finished off by me. I shouldn’t have drank so much, but I just couldn’t help it. Always gotta make myself tired to the extend I can sleep. And that’s pretty sucks.

Life’s pretty bad? Facing difficulties outside but yet going home telling Mum that I’m fine. It seems that my Mum knows me well. She asking me if I’m alright. Told me to go on. She says she feels sad for me at times. Each time she look at my face. She says I look unhappy. Am I? I thought all alone I’ve been trying to put on a smile as much as I could when I’m at home? I keep telling myself today’s happenings at work should be put to an end after I’m off duty. Don’t bring whatever unhappiness home. I always tell myself. I felt that my Mum or family should not share the burden of my work. She’s my mum. She should be happy at home after work. Not worrying for us. But, when I got home I just kept thinking of work. And worst, I suffered insomia everyday. Especially, when next day its morning shift. I barely sleep like 3-4 hours. The stress to sleep is big. The more I want to sleep, the more I can’t. It’s just practically so sucks. Questions keep appearing on my mind.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or what’s happening in me that feel this way. I just feel lost. And alot alot of uncertainties. I really regretted signing bond. Really. Because I’m using this reason to move on. Pushing myself. Telling myself that it’s the end of me, once I do something wrong. Telling myself, if you unable to reach your objectives your preceptor will push you till you die. Telling myself to know all the forms. The procedure they are doing. Know my stuff well, if not I will die. I’ve been wanting alot alot of money. In case, I do something wrong. I have enough money there. Safety net for me. Although I didn’t use my bond money till now. But it’s like. I don’t know. I feel useless. Alot Alot Alot of things I don’t know. I really very lousy. It’s not the ward problem. Not the hospital. I don’t know. Or its just me. I just this feeling of wanting to breakdown. But I just can’t. No tears no nothing. Sometimes, I really find that my food is so bland. Tasteless. Some of my schoolmates, I just find they are so capable. Capable of adapting. It’s seems that they are doing so fine and well. If they can go on so well, it means that problem really lies in me. Means I’m not adaptable to changes at all. And really for this, I feel sucks. I am lousy shit.

This few months has been so taxing. Taxing as in. I see people quit nursing. I see people on the verge of breaking down. People cried. And they went through alot. As friends for them. I feel so sad too. Sometimes, I just dunnoe what to say. But, I myself couldn’t breakdown as well. If not there is no support for one another. But I must admit, I really could breakdown any moment. I tell myself that I need a break. Maybe a small break will do. But when I have day off, so many things on my mind. I like feel like crying every moment. I really feel very useless compare to friends.

I keep telling myself I cannot gave up. Cause I must earn money. I cannot make my Mum work for her whole life to support me. It’s time to get to the outside world to work and earn money. But, I just find that this money comes like alittle too hard and tough for us. I’m not trying to say that life is bad. But, I just felt that I’ve so much to compromise and so much responsibility that it’s just overwrites the joy of being a nurse. Someone who like to helps and care for other. I just merely a girl, not a superwoman.

I’m tired. Really.