Facades Exists Between You And Me

每段故事都有一篇剧情
每段爱情都像动人旋律
一颗真心却只向着你前进
也许爱越单纯越着迷

你是窗外另外一片风景
在你眼里我是什么关系
你的呼吸藏在我的爱情里
何时能诚实面对自己

我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说
我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待
爱情盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情

Okay. Although, this song has been out like for some time but I still wanna say this song dammed nice can. I keep repeating this track many times. And despite endless time, telling others about this song. Just purely touched by this song. The tune and lyrics is soo soothing and freaking nice. So catchy. Enjoy people. Those who doesn’t listene to chinese songs, too bad then. You have lost a opportunity to listen to a nice song. =P

P/s: 我们从不开口那个言语,那一句我爱你…

The results of 3 nights: " Down with heavy flu + fever and bodyache."

"Many people say that they enjoyed their night shift as student during attachments. They say you could sit infront of the nursing station. Talk to your staff nurse. Gossips about people. And even have food and music to accompany you. This is in regards that you’ve your job and do whatever changes that you gotta to do. Well, things often comes alittle different for me."

My first night (Thursday) was doing the job of junior, which means I gotta answer the call bells. Obtained urine & stool or even swab specimens if there is. Do 10pm hypocount. Make sure all feeding are done. Take parameters. Entertained all the patient’s needs. Do turning. Gave nebuliser. Make sure charts are updated timing and calculate their total intake and output. And of course, gotta do admission from ED or transfer in cases. On the first day, I’ve got lotsa of hourly to do. Really freaks me out. I’m glad that my patient was understanding enough. Not blaming me for waking up them during the night just to take their vital signs and serving their 8 hrly antibiotic. Finally, now I understand why patient sleeps so much during the day. Cause during the night, their sleep is always disrupted our work process. And I really mean it. If not, in a C or B2 class wards, their sleep is always disturbed by confused and psycho patient who keep shouting at the middle of the night. My first night was indeed tiring. I can feel the sleepiness in me. The tiredness that engulfed my body. Especially in the wee hours from 3am-4am, its superly sleepy. Well, all these are nothing, am I right? I’m sure that my other fellow coursemates are doing the same thing.

My traumatizing night is on 2nd night (Friday), I should say. That very night, I felt like everything was a dream. Things happened too quickly. Having enough sleep from the day before I report to work at 8pm+ to check all the sensors and hypocount machine. Doing some quality control test thing. I was doing staff nurse job on 2nd night, as my preceptor is the PN for that night. After taking report, I go ahead to do all my hypocount at serve my 10pm medications. Then, I help my Junior which is also staff nurse to do turning. Afterwhich, I prepared all the IV medications for AM shift and start to dispense all the medication to Inpatient and ED pharmacy. Uh huh. This is the free time now. Siting down and writing report with preceptor. Draw all the lines on the chart, which marks the end of the day. Thus, I start taking my first cubicle patient. Madam Rabiah, my favourite patient, case notes. Flicking through it. I topped up the continuation sheet and patient care record. Just when, I was about to ask my preceptor, regarding the patient. The SN(Junior), suddenly came to my preceptor and said: "Hey Beena! Faster come and see. Bed 41 not responding." My preceptor faster run and see. They faster pushed the E-trolley. Patient on DIL(Dangerously Ill List) not responding is common you see. But, is not common when he is a walker, able to ambulate. And I remembered during shift handover. They say that patient complained of coldness and is shivering, and I remembered someone already informed the doctor but the HO never seems to come. Maybe she thinks it was not an urgent case, as BP was okay. I also remember I attended his call bell during the shift handover to put down his cord side for him as he wanted to sit up. Most vividly, he was admitted during first night. I help him to put on his baju at admission. And now he does not have pulse. Yes. He collapsed. I went to his bed to help when code blue activated. In ED, I didn’t really have a hand on resuscitation. Now my day has come. No. Should be my night has come. I see my impending doom. I was nervous inside. Before that, they ask me call the HO and MO. My heart was pounding heart inside. I almost forget what to do. I faster went in to help to attach leads and on the defillbrillator. I was freaking nervous and almost forget to on to AED mode. They ask me to break open the E-trolley, my limbs just went soft and I felt minimal strenght to break it and my preceptor help me.

Okay. Say all you can about me. Feeling weak. Useless. Whatever you want. But, I truly didn’t expect it to happened during night. I really very shock and stunned. Cause, I remember they were only 5-6 person that night. Really.When I went in the SN(Junior) ask me to bag the patient. Luckily she asked me bag, if not I also dunnoe what to do. Initally, I thought they will ask me get out but because I’m just student. So much that I thought. Shortly after, the HO and MO and even Registar keep running in. I thought bagging was the easiest job and safest job. But, I was wrong, it require strength really. My left hand was pressing on the patient face to secure it tightly and I gotta tiled his head alittle to support and to bag and my right hand just gotta keep pumping in O2. I remembered I bag for 15mins long. And no one taking over me. -_-" my hands seriously aching. I really use all the strenght that I could have to bag the patient. In my heart, was like please. Please don’t die uncle. You cannot die. Faster wake up. I really scared. I admit I was nervous and lost. I remembered there is once the the patient valve was detached from the mask. But, luckily I faster put it back. Shortly after that, I was so tired that the registar ask the MO to take over me. And they asked me go attend to the call bell. After that the patient went tachy and they intubate him was send to ICU. And before that, they wanna take his blood sample to test but there is no blood forms in my ward. Can you imagined? All become AURORA, and don’t know where they throw the form to. They asked me go other wards borrowed. Tiao. Can you Imagine other ward also don’t have. End up, another AN go level 10 and 11. Okay this was the 1st collasped case. I’m glad that he is still alive. They say that if later the patient could have died. The registar say that it’s lucky that we discovered earlier. That night, I sms June who was at SGH and told her. About my first collasped patient. But who knows…

2 hours later, just when I thought everything was over and I’m about to recover from shocked, and when that I thought I can start writing my report..

"We recieved a phone call from ED for new admission. They told us patient on dopamine drip, came from resus room. That was my SN(Junior) who answered the call, she asked my preceptor "you ready to take new case or not?" Later collasped again. How suay her mouth can be! And the patient a Indian man really came in collasped. When he came in his eye was open, with alittle breathing. My preceptor and the SN tried to take BP but its unable to read. After we they tried to take his pulse. There is no pulse. His eyes is fixed. Okay. Here comes the cycle again. E-trolley again. HO, MO and Reg come again. This time round they really tired. So I help them to do CPR. And I literally climb up on the bed and start chest compression. I was suay other days I wear pants no code blue. And then I worn skirt on that day so many code blue-S. This time round, I really very sian. Dammed suay. That night was also a chaotic one. Patient keep pressing call bell. But, this patient went asystole for 4-6mins and pulseless. And because he died within 15mins of transfer in. It’s now a coroner’s case. So that night, I help out in the last office. So my SN(Junior) pack and topped up the e-trolley for 2nd time that night. She didn’t intend to locked it any more. Cause next day was a sat. E-trolley to be checked again.

So we were all wondering that, when the patient was sent up from the ED to our ward. He might have been already collasped. And what was ED doing? They should have send them to ICU instead of sending to our ward. Moreover, it was from resus room case with dopamine drip on.

And 3rd traumatising things happened on the same night…

Just when after they are all so dammed tired after resuscitation, I attended to other patient if not dammed poor thing. Then this patient tell me she wants to go toilet although she was on diaper. She wasn’t on fall risk. Was a walker too. She was the one that I admitted her during my first night too. She told me she’s is feeling okay. Able to stand up and walk. Not feeling giddy. Okay. I put down the cord side and assisted her. Just when, she was 1.5 metre away from the bed. She told me she’s feeling giddy. And slow motionally, she just fall backward. I was bloody shock and I faster break her fall. And slide her down my knees and she sat on the bed. My heart really wanna dropped! What if she fall and injure herself. My fault? E-hor? Although, my hand were already aching from bagging and performing chest compression. I got no choice. I simply ask her to get up and dragged her all the way to her bed myself. No one was there to help me carry her to the bed. Everyone was so busy. I really feel very lost that night. Just so sucky to the max. That morning, I managed to finished my report 10mins before handover shift. No one teach me what to write. Cause my preceptor really no time to go through with me. I just anyhow use ARMS format and copy what people write infront.

I’m not trying to sound as though I’ve been through alot on my second night. But, I was truly scared and traumatise. Reason being, I really didn’t expect it to happened. I just wanna vent out. If I don’t speak out. I feel terrible inside there. That morning, I went home staring blankly and superly tired. I didn’t speak to anyone, because I didn’t have the opportunity to do so. And went back to report for work for my 3rd night. No one could really understand what I feel deep inside. Sometimes, its just so difficult to relate to others what I feel inside. Just so lost. All I get is that everyone in the ward keep telling me is a good experience for me as a student. But, this is no really what i wanna hear. I know is good. But, I’m still very shocked. Really don’t know what to say.

I’m glad my holidays is here can I can enjoy. Cause I’m really tired. 

I’m really really really really really really really really really really really really really really tired. I need a break!  Really! Please. Time passes real fast. Unknowingly, I’ve been on 6weeks of PRCP with my coursemate. I guess is because everyday we’re faced with loads of heavy responsiblities and that really makes time flies like no one business. These four days I’ve been on PM shift. The two common places in my mind now is TTSH and my home. Sleep. Home. TTSH. I seriously don’t know what I’m packed with everyday. I’m getting real sick of it. Super. Oh dear. Tell me about 3 years there.

Everyday is like so bloody hell busy. I take one cubicle only also don’t know why so busy. Haa. Just weird. Next week is my doom week. Cause sister expect me to take 2 cubicle, which is equivalent to 10 patient. Win le. She win. 5 jump to 10. She win. She really win.

Basket.  Everyday doing changes. Serve Medications. Hypocount. Write report. And my preceptor and clinical instructor is super PRO one. All the old bird. My preceptor still okay. But the clinical instructor is super stressed. Law by Law de. She is that kind come to you and disrupt you one. Ask these ask that. To the extend that you will almost medication error one lor. But, not very serious de la. How to survive? Everyday is like so stressed. Stressed from these below mentioned sources:

1. All the nursing officer of level 9. That might popped up anytime to pick your tiny mistakes.(My ward kanna VRE outbreak. Suay man!)
2. Stressed by your very own ward clinical instructor. No choice she happened to be in CI course. She very fan sia. Suan le. 1 ear in, 1 ear out. She everyday nagged de.
3. Stressed by overall TTSH nurse educator. People like sister Lay Hoon, Sister Pek Fong and Sister Tan.
4. Stressed by my preceptor. She really old bird. Do thing so fast. But she not as stressed as above. She is nice la. But also particular in documentation. Hais. Gek sim.
5. Stressed by unfinished work.
6. Stressed by all responsibilities like calling up for TCU, discharge cases, referring to other team, aurora and shit stuffs. Basket doctor. Instructions everytime not clear. Plug don’t wanna resite when due. Everytime make us ask. Then they order medications that not available in pharmacy. Gek sia. Then take consent with us not there and expect us to sign as witness. Siao. Luckily we no sign. Jian. Then, patient DIL wanna send for procedure, make us carry all the defill and e-drug thing. They know heavy or not. They really fan jian. Ask them change Mist KCL to span K, also can forget. Eat shit bah. =/

My conclusion is that:

I may die early due to stress or become a old unmarried hag that no one wants and die in hospital with no one clearing my faeces and cleaning my body.

Today is dammed stressed sia with my ward clinical instructor around. Is like I stressed untill I gastric pain siaz. I think Flight, Fight, Fright response lah. Secrete all the stomach acid. She really take the whole cubicle with me and do all the with me changes. Is like some she ownself do I don’t even know lor. She dammed weird la. I don’t know what to say. But, her hairstyle like pineapple. Haa. Although, she is strict but hor. I guess I still learn la. I just find that she abit disrupt my way of doing things, which is I ultra-ly don’t like. Is like you want her come she don’t want. Then you don’t want her come, she appeared. Kuku right? Argh.

I just want break la. Die le. Starting night shift next week. =/

It’s tiring. I came back home at 4am this morning. Chilled out at bar with my friends. I drank quite alot. 1 and 1/2 jug is finished off by me. I shouldn’t have drank so much, but I just couldn’t help it. Always gotta make myself tired to the extend I can sleep. And that’s pretty sucks.

Life’s pretty bad? Facing difficulties outside but yet going home telling Mum that I’m fine. It seems that my Mum knows me well. She asking me if I’m alright. Told me to go on. She says she feels sad for me at times. Each time she look at my face. She says I look unhappy. Am I? I thought all alone I’ve been trying to put on a smile as much as I could when I’m at home? I keep telling myself today’s happenings at work should be put to an end after I’m off duty. Don’t bring whatever unhappiness home. I always tell myself. I felt that my Mum or family should not share the burden of my work. She’s my mum. She should be happy at home after work. Not worrying for us. But, when I got home I just kept thinking of work. And worst, I suffered insomia everyday. Especially, when next day its morning shift. I barely sleep like 3-4 hours. The stress to sleep is big. The more I want to sleep, the more I can’t. It’s just practically so sucks. Questions keep appearing on my mind.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or what’s happening in me that feel this way. I just feel lost. And alot alot of uncertainties. I really regretted signing bond. Really. Because I’m using this reason to move on. Pushing myself. Telling myself that it’s the end of me, once I do something wrong. Telling myself, if you unable to reach your objectives your preceptor will push you till you die. Telling myself to know all the forms. The procedure they are doing. Know my stuff well, if not I will die. I’ve been wanting alot alot of money. In case, I do something wrong. I have enough money there. Safety net for me. Although I didn’t use my bond money till now. But it’s like. I don’t know. I feel useless. Alot Alot Alot of things I don’t know. I really very lousy. It’s not the ward problem. Not the hospital. I don’t know. Or its just me. I just this feeling of wanting to breakdown. But I just can’t. No tears no nothing. Sometimes, I really find that my food is so bland. Tasteless. Some of my schoolmates, I just find they are so capable. Capable of adapting. It’s seems that they are doing so fine and well. If they can go on so well, it means that problem really lies in me. Means I’m not adaptable to changes at all. And really for this, I feel sucks. I am lousy shit.

This few months has been so taxing. Taxing as in. I see people quit nursing. I see people on the verge of breaking down. People cried. And they went through alot. As friends for them. I feel so sad too. Sometimes, I just dunnoe what to say. But, I myself couldn’t breakdown as well. If not there is no support for one another. But I must admit, I really could breakdown any moment. I tell myself that I need a break. Maybe a small break will do. But when I have day off, so many things on my mind. I like feel like crying every moment. I really feel very useless compare to friends.

I keep telling myself I cannot gave up. Cause I must earn money. I cannot make my Mum work for her whole life to support me. It’s time to get to the outside world to work and earn money. But, I just find that this money comes like alittle too hard and tough for us. I’m not trying to say that life is bad. But, I just felt that I’ve so much to compromise and so much responsibility that it’s just overwrites the joy of being a nurse. Someone who like to helps and care for other. I just merely a girl, not a superwoman.

I’m tired. Really.

Life Struggle

Too tired to think.Too lazy to work.

Where do I turn? I’m full of such worry.

As I view my life before me, one slips out of another.

Wonder is now the time?

The pain is forever there and nowhere near being gone.

When is life a life?

When does the pain of regret go away?

Will I ever feel no sorrow?

I might as well stay away.

Will I still see the light of eternal life that lies before me?

Or will I be in eternal suffering?

But is not that what I am in here.

There are no hopes but sorrows.

I cannot dry an tear for there is no tears.

Now the time has come so long my fellow friends.

Lost

Lost, alone, afraid and uncertain.

She waits for the words she longs to hear.

But she knows she has been forgotten.

Yet, within herself amongst her pain she knows there has to be something more, more to her life she is living in vain.

With her vision blurred she cannot see what lies ahead for her, what she could be.

All that she knows is that what she is today and she cannot see beyond this moment.

So afraid of what will be coming next, she cower amongst the debris within her soul.

So uncertain of every single thing around her. Each moment bringing sorrow within.

She longs to understand why is this happening, why she was choosen for the pain she feels within.

Confusion and fear rule her life, along with hatred and disdain.

She has no control of what will happen next and that is the most difficult thing to bear.

All she wants is to fly away with god’s angels and never return to the earthly being inhibits.

She cannot bear to hurt another day but she will.

She will continue to hang her burden and keep all inside, hidden from those around her.

She so afraid, afraid of the thoughts and feelings. She cannot share them with anyone.

She longs to tell someone how she is feeling.

She knows she cannot hang on much longer. But, she also knows that she cannot give up.

Everything around her is so conflicted. No sense can be made of any of it.

It is ripping her apart inside and out. She longs to cry out for someone to help her.

The only thing she wants is to be whole and one within herself and under God’s wings.

She longs for eternal embrace and even more so for his healing touch.

She knows God is there, but is he?

She cannot feel his presence upon this earth.

She is afraid of him but she doesn’t understand why.

Her life hang in a balance, she knows she cannot choose death.

Death is no longer a option for her to consider. The only thing is to keep on living.

She is not even living. But only existing. Existing amongst only what has been created.

She cannot move. She cannot speak.

She is so afraid to even attempt to seek out what she knows she wants and what she needs.

Sometimes she can see she is needed. Not only to those who hold her dear, but to God as well.

Within herself and amongst her pain, she knows she is to be important.

She knows God want to use her. But, why her? Why must she hurt this way?

Though she know she is important, she can barely see anymore.

She feels her life has been over so long. She doesn’t wants to hurt anymore.

She is the one who wants to help those like her.  She wants to have a future and something to hold on.

She wants a family, a song and a daughter. Longing to become the person who can be loved and become a person who can love without any conditions.

To have someone to be a wife to and be forever.

She cannot repeat this vicious cycle once more, she fears she will be unable to survive it again.

She knows there are so many worse off than her.

Feeling so unworthy of hope and of help she holds it altogether in a tight ball.

Tears will never able to reach her eyes, but now they seems never go away.

She longs to understand what’s happening and to fight the flight that lies ahead.

But, she is so afraid. Afraid to step out, out of the shelter that has been created for her.

The walls has been crumbling and she has been exposed.

She feels so naked and ashamed of every little part.

She wants so badly to leave this place.

To leave her and never return to this state of mind.

She longs to be accepted by those around her. She longs for people to see through the doubts.

If she is to step out she needs this next one to work. She cannot do this again and come out alive.

She wants to fight and she needs to win. Not only for herself, but for those she wants to help.

She has a future, she needs to have a future.

She needs help to see what is needed and what she can become.

She cannot do this alone.

I cannot do this alone.

P/s: Just happened to come across these two poems on youtube and I thought they really kind of describe what I’ve been feeling all along. Her lost, her struggles in life that she wrote, made me eally feel so deep in my heart. Life’s bad at time. Living on can be a chore. I need a reason to wake up every morning.

It’s saturday night. Things looks pretty well for the outside world. Boys meets girls. Same. Girls meets boys. Both parties of people out there socializing. However, she’s been siting by the window. Or rather infront of the computor. It’s been awhile she has been behaving this way. She doesn’t speaks very much of herself to her family. In her heart, how much so that she wanted to share about herself. But, it just seems that after a series heart to heart talk, will ended up in heated argument. And what she’ve got after that is that she found herself alone at her same room again.

What her job is like? The people she met outside? How people treat her? She wanted to say it all out. But it’s just..couldn’t and perhaps it(the heart) stops speaking ever since quite sometime ago.

Again. She alone. Thinking bout, where her futures lies. Does she have a say in her life? Can she control things happening in her life? She really doesn’t like how the world behaves. She wants freedom. Kindred souls told her that - She can choose her life. To be positive or to be negative. After slips and slips of coke and alittle caps of whiskey, her mind was in swirls. Sub-consciously, she was still alive. Felt so torn and tattered. So worn out and tired. Fancy, her being at a young youth age. At times, she even hope that she doesn’t even grow up, be a child is enough. Being adult is so bad. So dammed bloody bad.  The world is hideous. Just so black. Black like tar.

Life is so weird. At a lost. Heading to nowhere. Friends doesn’t accompany you till the very end. She find herself alone at the end. People come and go in her life. On-going suffering of people. Good souls forcefully became baddies to protect themselves. Bad things became infectious. People start killing each other. Fights for money,status and rights. People want their way. Humans act on impulses. People assumes what they see. Believes what they heared. This world has got no love. Except from your loves one. Love from lord wasn’t enough at all.

She doesn’t see tommorrow. New day doesn’t grow. She doesn’t have the energy to generated power to move on live. She just - hate to live. Living a day seems so heavy. Telling her that her life was given by someone who loves her. She just get so turned off. Life is just so terribly fucked up. Horrible to the core. She feels that she doesn’t own anyone a living. Every morning, she stands at the platform looking at the steel cold track. Thoughts just came into picture. She just thought of what if she jump down the track and got hit by the oncoming track. How wonderful can it be? Repetitive sucidal thoughts occurs. But the main concerned - which of ways would guarantee her a confirm instant death. One that doesn’t life her paralysed and bed-ridden causing burden to others. Coming out with such thoughts was her choice, she didn’t wanted it either. Sounds ironic, it also takes alot of courage to have these thoughts in her mind. Imagine that you picture yourself, having your tongue stick out & eye-balls go rolling white because you’ve hang yourself. Or rather your body got smash by the concrete ground because you leap down from 16th storey high. You experiences unbearable pain and open fracture wound. And before, you reached the ground you’ve got hit by serveral bamboo poles.

Life’s bad. Real bad. Whole world is like on her shoulder. Bad in a sense that is life-less. If the world comes to an end, she’ll be the first one to stand up and clap & cheer. Just let everything go back the primitive us, where humans learn how to grow and love each other again. Oh God. Please.

Walking on the street daily, the feeling was like christmas day everyday - lonely one. It wasn’t christmas day, but I felt everyday was like one. One without love and hope. No santas, no pressies, no nothing. Even knowing that if the world’s coming to an end, there’s nothing i’ll wish or even wanted to do. Let it be. That was what life meant to me. Bad. Terrible. Hopeless. I don’t look forward. The routes with took in the begining of life was different. Never been the same. You never understand. My world consist of me, myself. That’s it.

But, ever since a bunch of people came into my life. Unknowing-ly. These people are unexpected. Could they just be people who god took pity upon me and drop upon me? I don’t know. I guessed it’s right. These people are people who wanted to show me life isn’t bad afterall. People who wants me to see that there’s a reason to live for tomorrow. People who wants to pick me up from my fall. The deep ones. People who show me love. Show me what is love? Shower me with care and concern. Showing me what is happiness. And that real happiness come from within you. Yourself. I didn’t know what is happiness untill I saw the smiles on their face. With little stupid pranky lame jokes that I’ve made.  And most importantly, they taught me how to spread love to others. I’ve been secretly trying real hard to pick up. Believe me. Seriously. And that they’re people who strike a thought in my mind that is - Nursing not bad afterall. They’re people who hold the flames that sparks the slightest hope in me when i’m seriously dead inside.

Because of these people. I’m trying seriously hard to forgive people who ever let me down, people who hurt me. Took away my pride, leaving me with a soul without feelings intact with. Sounding serious but it’s really not deceiving. I’m getting alive because of them. Trying to open myself up. I was in my own bubble all these while.

They’re like cheerful, innocent small kids poking the bubbles that have been floating on the air (directionless). After it’s broke. They will all rejoiced to the triumph. Because, they’ve won. Managed to save the bubble from being directionless.

People, I’ve got so much to say. Life is full of uncertainties. A fact that I couldn’t deny. I don’t know if I could make it through. Through PRCP. I can’t gurantee. Could bad things happened again? You know I bad at stuffs yeah. Well, seriously. Six months later. I don’t know if I’ll be there on the graduation ceremony to congrats each other. Telling ourselves we’ll make good nurses. I don’t know if there’s a chance to hold you guys hands telling you guys that "We’ll be friends forever." And things like..discussing what we’ll been doing down the roads. Where will we end up with? When will be the next time we meet? And you guys will go to the graduation ceremony to say "Hey, you’re my superwoman!." Telling me that you guys actually enjoy the lames joke i made was funny. And when we looked back our jokes been still as funny? And when’s the next kbox session? Shall me make up for a drink? and etc.

One day, when I’m not around I’ll bring the memories you guys gave with me. I promised to do so. The past definately be a shadow that follow us round. You guys don’t underestimate yourself. You guys definately are part of my life. Been part of my life. Thanks for that. If you ever thought you hadn’t really done anything for me. Then you guys are seriously wrong. For the least, you guys appeared in my life. A life that was never meant to be from the begining.

If you guys didn’t know, I do smiles at night on bed because I was thinking of the fun times we ever had spent together. Reminiscing how we actually met? Since when we started going out? The jokes we made. The stupids lines that we said.

These people are people who I wanna protect for life, if I ever had to live till the day I die. You guys can all sleep sound every night and count on me cause I’ll be there. Always there with you guys. True enough we never be able to accompany each other to the rest of the life. But for the least, at least we did in some part. Somehow. Part of it. I hope you guys will remember this shared memories that we all have together. Thanks for appearing in my life. Making my life something. I hope I’m not one of those who come and go in your life. For the least allow my memories to stay with you guys.

To Shuxian: You’ve a part in my life. Don’t doubt, you did. You always get apologetic that you didn’t done enough and been through the bad times with me. That’s certainly wrong. No. Don’t ever feel so. I know that you cared. Just that you didn’t know how to. How to cared for a heart that is badly hurt. Thanks for all the beautiful memories you gave me in year 1. That was the best part of poly life. I’ll never been so happy before. I always look back the times that 3 of us spent together. Our first kbox session. When we took silly photos and the first time you wanted to treat me coke. And my 19th birthday, you and yiping baked cheese cake for me. I always bear it in mind. Although, we not spending much day as during the past like year 1 but the feelings and bond will never change. Some kind of chemistry. And we get together I never feel weird at all. Just so enjoyable. I know you want me to know that I’m blessed. Now, I know. Cause I’ve friends like you. =) Thanks. Love you guys.

To Yiping: Happy go lucky pals. You’re like one of those friends I know I can count on when I have troubles. Thanks for the listening ears that you ever lend it to me. I found things in you. Happiness and simplicity. These qualities make you a person you are. Seriously. I learnt from you. Alot. To enjoy life and live each day like there’s no tomorrow. That’s how life should be isn’t it? I remember the first time we met. I sat beside you in class. You remember? You taught me how to sit a chair. It was a classic image that I’ll be in my mind forever. And the first girl in my class to give to my 18th birthday card. That meant alot alot to me. Cause there are people like you who bothers. Bothers about me. Remembers my birthday when school had only started 3 days? =) Thanks for giving me a life in poly. Love you guys.

To Liyana: You’re my super duper best malay poly pals in Ngee Ann throughout 3 years. Can you imagine how far we’ve come since year 1 till now. From the begining with Ms Yeo, Micheal, Ms Lee and till now - Dr. Tim. How we are saddened by the fact that people like Shuxian, Yi ping, Bei shan, Rui fang, Farini and Yati left our class but not others? Can you remember the times that we’ve been through together? The first BCLS lesson that we thought we really couldn’t make it and we almost give up together? The revision we always does together when accessments round the corner. Meals at al-azhar after 6pm, together with Suhailah and Hui Teng with Jonathan occassionally? You been through the bad times with me. I’m seriously thankful for your appearance. Thanks alot. Thanks for the surprises that you made for my birthday. HS Idol. And all. Love you guys. I always protect you on road. Your forever protector.

To Suhailah: Best malay pals in Ngee Ann. Thanks for everything. Thanks for appreciating my jokes. Thanks for listening to my craps in class when no one actually bothers. Thanks for listening to my woes and nagging session when I’m sitting beside you at class. You said: "Comedians use laughter to hide their pain." I’ll never forget this classic sentences that you’ve have in your nick. We’re like great minds thinking alike. You’re kind and easy-going. One of those who I know I can count on. And always reads my mind. Always asking me if I’m feeling okay? Remember our first Hari raya trip to geylang? When we search for good food with Nadeera and Liyana in Geylang. And our bowling sessions in Bukit Pajang Plaze. That was seriously dammed fun right? Thanks for the memories you gave me. I’ll take that along with me. Thanks for what you’ve done for me throughout my poly life with liyana. I love you guys.

To Aishah Sun/Tegoshi: I made a appearance in your life in year 1 but we came to know each other better at the end of year 2. Things was late but better than never. You said that I’m like a slibings that god gave you. Thanks for giving me the opportunity being the sister of yours. Oh well, I was thinking how miracle that we actually can go Tioman together with Bei. Can you ever imagine? I actually never ever thought that we’ll be on a trip together. I looked back and recalled remember the point where we’re on bad terms regarding GLs matter. The thought of it makes me smiles. Realising how far we’ve all come to. You’ve grown. I seen the growth in you over 3 years. You tone down a little quiet but grown up. A young mature adult. Knowing how to care for others, appreciate nice things on earth. Life’s isn’t bad afterall right? Maybe, you didn’t know. You make a good Adeik to me. My forever Adeik. I remember you forever. My one & only malay sister. Thanks for everything you done.

To Beishan: Life’s incredible full of unexpectants. You’re one of the unexpected things that happened in my life. Your appearances in my year 3 seriously unexpected. We didn’t really talk in year 1 ya? Your appearance was late but worthwhile. Better than never. I can’t remember since when we start talking. Just like Aishah. I didn’t know we hit on so well with the rest till now. You’re always so nice to us and being so positive. We’re like super crap and lame when we get together. Can you imagine we can talk and talk in Tioman discussing who is handsome? And when Aishah is sleeping like nobody’s business? Tioman memories will remain in my mind forever. And remember the times we spent together swimming & gyming at the condo and when you peggy bag me in the water? Our first Jamming session at music school?  Lastly, all our kbox sessions with classic oldies by Hui Teng? All that, I’ll bring it along with me. It’s like we can talked about anything under the sun. You’re always so encouraging. Making me wonder where does all your energy how from within. If someone ever asked me what are some of the happy things happened in my life, is that I met a friend like you. =) Someone I’ll never regret knowing. Thanks for involving me in your life in year 3 with the rest like Huiteng, LiHsien and Aishah. Thanks for what you have done in for me. HS idol and stuff. Thanks.

To Hui Teng: You’re the one appreciate my jokes. Who have the same imagination that goes wild with me. Hui Teng. You’re just like Bei unexpected people in my year 3 life. I appreciated your appearance. You always laughed at my silly cranky jokes. From the bottom of my heart, I felt so honoured. At least, there are people who appreciate me. Your laughter is infectious. I feel happy at the same time while making you laugh you see. I’ll never forget the times we spend together sourcing for good food and stuffs. Enjoy life like no ones business. Making trips to JB to experience new stuffs. That kind of experience was hard to find. The only time when I feel that god was kind to me was the time I spend with you. Could it be because of our age then we shared similiar thinking for most things? I don’t know. I just know that we hit of very well. One semester is enough. To find a friend like you. I will miss your singing in kbox. All your classic old songs remains in my mind. May you be happy always and enjoy life to the fullest. Thanks for your appearance. Bei sayings :"Life’s good. Use LG." I guessed you bear it in mind too. I love you guys.

To Rui Fang: I’m sorry if I hadn’t done anything for you in the past 2 years. Or hadn’t done enough. I don’t know. Or I hope I did actually play apart in your life. But the least, if I’m not around one day. And when you looked back. You actually remember me and you will actually smile while thinking the about the jokes that I made. Life was tought ain’t it? I just want you to know. You’re actually blessed. Blessed with people who cared about you. Always looked back and remember than your life is full of people who loves and care about you. I thanked god for your appearance too. Remember the times we spent together for revision with Bei? Remember every wednesday we’ll spend time in SIM foodcourt eating Ban Mian and discussing stuffs like how S.H.E is doing. Why Hebe is so chio? And at times spend at sharing gossips about others as well. And also. Thanks for confiding in me your problems too. Although I didn’t really help much but I appreciated that you shared with me. I’m honoured too. Rui fang, we need to be brave and determined in doing things. We gotta tell ourselves that alright? Nothing’s gonna bring us down right? We can always count on each other alright? Nothing’s gonna pull us down. Thanks for your appearance. I love you guys. Thanks so much.

To Li Hsien: You’re so cute. I only know you this year. But But But. I see something in you. Innocent plus simplicity. All I know. Thanks for appreciating my "code black" jokes. I really enjoy the jamming session with you in the music school. I know you do too. The look from the smiles tells me everything about you. Your smiles consist of simplicity and happiness plus a important factor called "innocence". And that is infectious. I feel happy when you’re happy too. That how life’s should be. Simple and happy is all that we asked for isn’t it? Thanks for your support during HS Idol. Haha. The board that you’ve made. That was nice. Thank you. I hope 10 years down the road when you look back, you still remember the jokes that I’ve made.

To June: You’re so nice. I really cherish the friendship with you. It is just so incredible how we met. It all goes back to the pungol camp bbq sessions and following by FOC camp during year 1. That was where our friendship bond was built up right? You are really innocent fellow. Pure innocence. Because the look from your expressions tells me what you’re feeling now. You’re someone with very little words but full of feelings deep down inside. You don’t really speak much of yourself. Or maybe sometimes I should say you don’t know how to consoled me? I thanked god for letting me know you. Thanks for including me in your year 2 and 3 life. Thanks for your support during Hs idol. You cried didn’t you? I know you’re feeling happy and touched for me. Thanks for making my dreams come true. It couldn’t be possible without people like you. I never forget those days of attachment in TTSH and KKH with you. We’ll just talked and talked. Now that your back to SGH without me irritating you anymore, I hope you do well there ya. Thanks for all the memories you gave me. I hope one day you looked back, you remember that there this girl who always like to sing during attachment with you. Thanks for your appearance in my life.

To Li Tang: Thanks for sharing your life about your past and problems with me. I know you about the same time with June. Because of GLs and we met each other. You always tells me that God gave me obstacles for a reason. Trying to make things correct. Telling me life is a matter of how you aproach it and make it through. All these golden words will remain in my mind. I remember the times we spend together going out. Having steamboat at my house. All these are all memories. Thanks for hearing me out when I need a listening ear. You’re a good listener. A good one. I hope I ever did play apart in your life. Although, we didn’t go out with each other as often now. But when we looked back, I guess all the common memories that we all have will remained in hearts and minds. Thanks for being my friend.

To Yi Ting: I met you from GLs. Well, GLs is good afterall. Because, we’ve met. Thanks for being my friends. Seriously. Thanks for sharing your problems with me the other time during GLs chalet. Allowing me to shoulder some of the burdern in you. I remember telling you things will go smoothly, if you have the belief in you. So, Whenever you’re down. Remember what I said. It’s all the belief that plays apart in life. Thanks for friends. Seriously. Thanks.

To Gwen: You really played a great friend. A serious good listener and someone I seriously can count on. You’re a great person that god gave me. The best thing that could ever happened from the whole Cambodia Trip is that I’ll be able to get to know you. For the least, God was kind to me. Thanks for sharing some of your woes with me. I’m honoured to do so. And ya. I don’t know why who clicked so well ya. We can like talked about anything under the sun. Shared nice songs like Hillsongs, Third day and more. And it goes on to grey anatomy. Thanks for coming to my house for the jamming sessions. It’s was fun and enjoyable. I’ll remember the times we jammed together and learning guitar from you. Immitating greys character. Talking about meredith and derick. Driving stuffs. Fun times at Cambodia van’s back seat together with Daphne, Syakinah, Jonathan and Diana. Thanks for so much. Maybe you didn’t know what you have done. But, there so much you have done that you didn’t know. Thanks alot. Really. Thanks.

To Jonathan: From the bottom from my heart seriously gotta thanked you. Don’t doubt. Thanks for being there when I’m down. You’re highly sensitive to people feeling. Always know when I’m feelings down. I’m sorry if I ever scolded you or attitude you. I hope you seriously don’t take it to heart. But, you definately play apart in my poly life. Think about it, we actually went to both yep trips together. That’s like incredible. Well. Thanks so much. Good luck for your attachment and PRCP.

To Cheryl chew: Someone who is determined and uphold all your principles till now. That’s something good. Thanks for all your notes ya in year 2 and thanks for keeping me all the updates about things in health sciences. Thanks for playing apart in my poly life too. Thanks thanks.

To Veron + Camila + Pearlyn: Thanks for playing apart in my year 2 and 3 life. We had so much fun time in P06. It’s all memories that we never forget right? With Dr. Tim. Always immitating him and say "yayayayaya..". All the best for attachment and PRCP. I don’t know when is the next time we all meet again. Shall take care ya. I love you guys.

To Aili And Huizhi: Thanks for playing apart in my poly life. Being my classmates. I enjoyed being your classmates too. It was short and sweet. Bet, we will all never forget ya. Thanks so much. I will miss you guys.

To Farini: I’ll always remember your smiles and our attachment days in day care centers with Huizhi. That days fun right? I’ll bear in mind forever. Thanks for being my classmates in year one. Seriously, thanks. Good luck for attachment. I’ll miss you.

To Nadeera: You’re not forgotton too. You’ll be remembered for calling me "stail". What a word. Haha. That’s what we learn from Suhailah. I have nice time with you together with Liyana and Suhailah. Thanks for all the memories. Thank you. I love you guys. Remember there’s someone whom you called "stail", when you ever look back.

To P06: The best I ever had. Thanks alot. You guys rocks. Thanks you. I wil miss you guys. Riana, Clare,Cheryl, Suhailah, Liyana, Yu Xuan, Charmane, Jonathan, Hui Teng, Veronica, Pearlyn, Camila, Huizhi, Aili and Shamini.

Had I ever miss anyone one out? If I did. I sorry. Well, just like to thanks everyone for appearing in my poly life. Thanks everyone in HS. Even if not being mention. Well, it was short and sweet. Even Hazel (My angel in Kun Ming Trip), Li Jia(From Kun Ming Trip too!), Nadia and Nurul. Also, P10 (Meimei & gang) + Serene Ong and Yali. Thanks for your support during Hs Idol. Thanks for the flowers. P02 (with June and clan) for surprise birthday celebration outside Lt 50. And I’ll miss you everyone. Thanks for everyone who make my dream come true on 1st August 2007. Thanks for the votes and those who were swaying together with me when I sang. Thanks for making my poly life a beautiful memories. May you guys be good nurses and I’m sure you guys will be. One day when not around, we’ll all look back and to find that all these memories are worthwhile. So sweet. Always. All the best.

P/s: 10 years down the roads. Will you remember me?

Have you ever wonder what if your heart doesn’t speaks anymore? How was you to know and realised if everything doesn’t bothers anymore? What happened if god doesn’t even know what happens to you anymore?

So, I was siting at bus - 190 on my way home. Rain came pouring down earlier on at the late evening forming mist on the windows. It was dreamy. For a moment, I thought I was at bed, being a craddle. Nursery tunes playing on my ears. Being comforted by people who loves me. However, after a few stops everything became alittle gloomy with abit of empty-ness or I shall call it solitude feel?Coming to a picture, everything suddenly turns white.

The feeling was so dammed instant, I just realised something. A stinch of numbness overwhelmed me. It wasn’t sad. It wasn’t happy. I don’t speak anymore. Nope. It’s just that my heart never spoke again. Thus, I looked up the sky and that when I told God - whom many believes that he loves me. I spoke to him. He didn’t give an answer. I told him. I’m feeling numb. Seriously holy shit numb. But, he didn’t reply me. I was sadden-ed, when I didn’t manage to get the answers I want.  After a 5 minute pause. I told him one thing: "Hey hey, for you who loves me so much, I’m gonna to say these to you last time. Is that..my lord, I’ve one life. Take it or leave it."

P/s:I beg you a million or even a trillion times to let me go. To relieve me from everything. But, father lord. You just wouldn’t. You make others telling me obstacles makes me stronger. You make others telling me to go on. But. eventually nothing else just come in place. It’s been quite awhile. You make me go through the process of gaining and losing something. I’ll bear in mind. But, it’s seems that I’ve been struggling all this years to strike a balance this process that you’ve created for me. I’m struggling so dammed bloody hard. For a moment, I thought I was being cursed. Cursed by people who doesnt loves me and hates me. I was thinking what have I done to deserve all these? That you actually believes those baddie out there and punish me so hard. That’s so much true. It’s always just when I’m starting to look forward to tommorrow and while other prays for tommorrow existence, things happened and make me terribly withdrawn back into where I’ve begin. I wouldn’t be able to get out of the vicious cycle. You make me talk to people at night. Having sleepless night. And it just go on. You never understand how terrible I’m feeling. It make it so hard for me to face each morning. You make it sound like everyday gonna be a dammed bad day for me ahead. You’ve taken away all what suppose to be in me and there’s nothing left. Why are you always so cruel? To make it sounds as though you’re very good to all mankind. You gave me lot of friends, food and more wanting to gain my trust that you are so kind to me. On the hand, you’ve taken my pride, dinigty and every part that is left on me. Sometimes, you bring me up to the peak and next moment you throw me down to the bottom. God. You make me so hard to live life on. I really don’t like you. Seriously. Hey there, I rather you not touch me. Can you? Don’t make me live by hatred day by day. I don’t know what I will do one day. I could actually do what you me to do. Chances after chances I’ve given to you and me. But, you just don’t appreciate it, thinking that it is nothing. You might not have a second chance my lord. You just don’t know when the second chance might just slip aways with time. Don’t. Please. Don’t do these to me anymore. I can’t. I can’t take it. Let me do the things I want to do.

Artist: Beyoncé
Album: B’day
Title: Listen

[Verse 1:]
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can’t complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It’s only begginnig to find release

[Pre - Chorus 1:]
Oh the time has come
For my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all ’cause you won’t listen

[CHORUS:]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried to say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Oh now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own

[Verse 2:]
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago

[Pre - Chorus 2:]
Oh I’m screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
bent to your own all ’cause you won’t listen

[CHORUS]

[Bridge:]
I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t
If you won’t

[CHORUS 2:]
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start and I will complete
Oh now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own
My own…

P/s: Listen. I’m really alone at my crossroad. If you really know, I really got to find my own…

Woohoo. Common test is finally over. I’m rather stressed about it for the past few days for those who knows. I believe it’s time to let my brain take abreak and starts reproducing its cells again. I guessed it all dead by now. Super afraid that I’ll fail. I hate to repeat papers. Especially NURM. 8 marks gone. To me it’s a redundant module. Nursing talk about inter-human relationship. It’s a process that happen naturally. Don’t have to study sia.

Well. It’s friday again. TGIF. =) It’s finally holiday! Throughout 2 years plus of holidays, this is the first time we don’t have attachment during holidays. BUT PRCP is gonna take over it job for the next half semester, which means I’ll have my 6 months attachment.

I don’t if I will graduate successfully. Really. I don’t know what will happened during the 6 months attachment. I don’t know if I can survived. It’s just in me that I’ve so many uncertainties about what coming next. About next moment. Those who know me. I lived day by day. Of course I planned my future, but if I didn’t be able to make it to fufilled my dreams due to short lived then..Too bad la. Haa.

"Talk about uncertainties, I just feel that life is just life. Life is not bored. Life is not sucks anymore. Life is..life. Boo. Even humans feelings, it couldn’t be certain anymore. I don’t say humans change. It’s not change. But, I just feel that people come and go in our life. I didn’t realised my life was such a lousy one when people just come and go. Maybe got room(hotel) inside! Okay not funny. *Lame* Laugh out loud. It’s a petty that I’m unable to get hold of each of them. I just can’t help to think this process is a waste of time and I find it stupid. But it stills goes on."

Everyone have their own individual life eventually. I don’t know what my life will end up with. That’s why I mentioned before. There’s a need to be independent.

I always don’t understand why God create humans to come and go in our life. Almost every minute and everday, some people will enter our life. Be it the period is short or long. Talk about leaving some good memories and helping you to pass you time? If that’s the case, it would be stupid. If I die, I will enter into a world of darkness. That’s it. How would I remembered what happened while I’m alive?

"Could I have just fainted and drop into the MRT track and got hit? My body is distorted and twisted like nobody business. Or could I have just got hit by a falling branches while walking on a road? Could I have overwork myself and I died in my sleep. Could I jog on the track one day, and never wake up? "

By the way, if I’m on coma and on life-substaining machines. Please. Please. Might as well disconnect the ventilator and let me go."

If I were to die, a instance death would be better. Faster pain and get over it. But must confirm guarantee stamp-stamp plus chop-chop die de. If not create a nuisance for others. That’s not something good.

"Someone ever asked me if I was afraid to die? My answer is NO. BUT. I am scared of pain only. If I could meet doctor death to assist me in euthanasia. If only euthanasia is a legal thing. And people don’t feel anything about death. That would be nice thing. Inject morphine. Woot!"

Then people always tell me. If you die, it not the end. People around you will be sad. They’ll will grieve for you. Ya true. But? How long will you grieve? A whole lifetime? Maybe. But, it a matter of time that all of us die. It’s only who is earlier and who later.

Better still, they said that the world is coming to an end. I believed. Maybe during our generations. It’s unstoppable and unbreakable. I personally feels that time in fact has become faster too. Tsunami was also sort of predicted my God! See! This world have no reasons but humans to live. Cause you never know what happened next moment.

"Don’t try to tell me treasure your life while you could and fufill whatever you can. I just find it riduculous when the world is even coming to an end one day!"

P/s: Have you ever wonder what would happened the next moment? If you know you are going die one day, will you still make an effort to live as hard as you can?

We met each other on the crossroad daily. But, will you people be there forever?